Jail Time
by ink-addict
Summary: Malik waits to be bailed out of jail. In the meantime he meets someone...interesting... A short parody written on little sleep. Rated for Malik's occasional swearing and the presence of extreme Mary Sueness.


While waiting to be bailed out of jail, Malik meets someone…interesting. Mary Sue humor/parody. I was in a strange mood when I wrote this fic, so reader beware…

--------------------

0000000000000

--------------------

There was an exasperated sigh on the other end of the line. "Malik…"

"I know, I know." Malik Ishtar kicked at the wall in front of him absently, glancing briefly at the graffiti penciled on the wall. This was his one phone call, and he had to make sure it counted. He had to play contrite for now – he could argue the legal technicalities with his sister later. "I just need someone to come pick me up. The police won't let me drive home myself."

There was another sigh, and Malik thought he could make out Isis muttering something like, "Maybe there's a _reason_ they won't let you drive that bike home…"

"Isis? Please, sister…"

"OK, OK. I'm still at the museum, and I can't really leave…"

Malik felt a twinge of guilt at that. Just a little one.

"…I'll call Rishid. This had better be the last time he has to pick you up from the police station, Malik—"

"—It is! I swear!" he promised rashly. "Thank you, sister!"

Malik could sense Isis rolling her eyes on the other end of the line, but her voice held a hint of a smile. "Fine. See you at home, then, yes?"

"Yep! Bye, nee-san!"

Malik ran a hand through his hair, smiling to himself. True, he had to go back to that temporary holding cell, and he would likely be bored out of his mind for a few hours. But Rishid would be here to get him out pretty soon.

Flashing a cocky grin at the guards, Malik sauntered back into the cell and sat down to wait. He noticed a newcomer had come into the cell while he had been on the phone. He eyed her warily as she turned a sunny smile on him.

"Hello!" Her musical voice rang out in the emptiness of the cell. She was wearing a low cut teal tank top, black leather pants, and fashionable black boots. Her stunning honey-blonde hair was in a long ponytail, and it swished over her shoulders as she turned to give him a winning smile.

"Um…hi."

"Oh," she said, "maybe I should have said 'marhaba'! I speak Arabic, you know."

"Really." He cocked his head. "How do you know Arabic?"

"Oh, no reason. I just know a lot of languages. Japanese, of course…French, German. And of course Latin, ancient Egyptian…"

"What the…?"

"…of course, my mother spoke Greek with me. That was, she did before…before…" Here she glanced tearfully at Malik, "…before she died. Leaving me with my abusive father, who never really cared for me. Or my brother. I think that's why Seto likes me so much; my painful past is so much like his own…"

"Excuse me? You mean Seto Kaiba?"

She tossed her hair prettily. "Yes," she said simply. "We are in love. It's totally inexplicable, but they say that totally inexplicable relationships are the best kind…"

"They do? Who the hell says that?"

She ignored him, continuing in her melodic voice, which was almost as beautiful as the light in her turquoise eyes. "Of course, how could he not love me after I rescued his brother from that shark? Luckily I'm a good swimmer. I think perhaps it has something to do with the fact that my great-great-grandmother was half-mermaid. Of course, that's just the family legend, but they often say the most improbable legends are probably true…"

"Wait, wait, wait…I'm sorry, but what the FUCK are you talking about?"

She pouted cutely. "It's true!" she declared. "My life is mysterious and steeped in hidden magical events of which no one is aware. Take this, for instance." She held up a small shimmering amulet that was on a black silken cord around her neck. "This," she breathed, "comes from Ancient Egypt…I have only recently discovered its true powers. It is, in fact, the twelfth Millennium Item!"

"Wait a sec…I actually have had personal experience with these items you're talking about. First of all, there are NOT twelv—"

"I can tell you are not convinced," she said sadly. "I can tell because I have slightly telepathic abilities…"

Malik scooted a little farther away, keeping a wary eye on the girl. "Uh huh…you aren't in here on drug charges, are you?"

She frowned. "Of course not. I am an innocent," she declared.

"Oh, come on," he cajoled. "I'm here because of a speeding…incident. What are _you_ really here for?"

The guard nearby had been listening to their conversation for the last few minutes. "I'll tell you why she's here, kid. She's guilty of breaking every rule known to ficdom…she's Mary—"

"My name," she interrupted coldly, eyes glittering, is _Maria_ Dragonwing Suzannah…"

Malik gulped. "…Mary Sue?"

She huffed, crossing her arms. "I prefer not to be called that. Maybe you should call me Takeana. That was my name in Ancient Egypt, you know."

_Oh, fuck. She's out of her mind…_ Malik crossed his arms in front of him in a subconscious gesture of defense. Prison had suddenly gotten ten times scarier. The girl caught his eye again (how could she not? Those eyes were so blue…) and began talking again.

"I'm just here temporarily," she said, smiling beatifically. "Just until Seto comes to break me out of here."

Malik's curiosity got the better of him. "How does he even know you're here?"

"Telepathy, remember? That and the bond of love…"

He groaned. _Oh, Gods…_ Malik put his head in his hands. _Get me out of here…_

A familiar voice, however, brought him out of his pit of despair. "So, Malik. Making friends, are we?"

"Rishid!" Malik leapt to his feet. "For the Gods' sakes," he hissed, "get me out of here!"

His brother raised an eyebrow at that. "I have to sign a few things, and then we can go."

Ten minutes later, Malik was a free man. "You have no idea how glad I am that you came to get me," he said.

Rishid frowned slightly. "It was nothing. But Malik, this landing in jail thing has got to stop. Even if you get off with a fine…"

"I know, I know." Malik sighed. "I'll stop speeding."

"Malik…"

"No, I swear it!" Malik looked into his brother's eyes, and Rishid sensed that he was really in earnest. "When I was sitting in that cell…"

Rishid rolled his eyes, ready for another dramatic story on his younger sibling's part.

"No, Rishid, hear me out. When I was waiting for you to come get me, I realized…"

"Yes?"

Malik thought of the girl who had been sharing his cell. He thought of her thick blond hair, her musical voice, her turquoise eyes. He thought of her ability to speak several languages and her gift when it came to ancient amulets. He even thought of her ancestry, both in Ancient Egypt and the depths of the sea. And in this thinking, Malik shuddered.

"Malik?"

He turned to Rishid, banishing the thoughts of Maria Dragonwing Suzannah from his mind, hopefully forever. "Let's just say prison life isn't for me."

---------------

0000000000

---------------

Fin.

Yes, strange, I know. I think I might need to get more sleep or something… XD


End file.
